Crisis of Faith in the Diet

I am becoming less sure that the things I have given up are the right things. I am feeling DEPRIVED of foods I love, and GUILTY when I indulge. Perhaps this 5 cheats situation has created a monster.  I have found this week that I have less patience and tolerance for things, comments, people.  I am consumed with thoughts of what to eat, what not to eat, how to manage eating and not eating.  

Perhaps I am not being true to my philosophy of food.  Food is more than a means to an end, more than fuel for life.  It is central to good conversations with good friends, to laughter and sharing.  Not that food has stopped being that these last 3 weeks.  We have had people over for dinner and made recipes from the P90X2 recipe book, and the results are the same.  Good conversation, laughter, sharing with good friends.

So then it's something else.  In the beginning, I gave up sweets, caffeine, and alcohol, in part because the P90X2 Fitness Guide recommends it.  This can be an incredible detox experience -- and it seemed like a good idea to detox.  Additionally, it is giving me insight into my relationship with these "vices."  I thought caffeine was going to be the hardest one to give up, but other than going to bed earlier (and getting up earlier), not having caffeine hasn't been that big of a deal.  I noticed it in particular last night.  We had plans to go out to Bootie LA for our cousin's birthday -- starting at 9 PM.  You're probably thinking, "But, Kenna, you are usually asleep on the couch by 8:50."  I knew a nap would be in order.  It was hard to wake up from the nap, but after getting up, washing my face, and getting ready, I was up dancing and hanging out until 1 AM!  John suggested burpees to wake up, and I wanted to punch him in the face.  But, perhaps it was a good idea.

The alcohol is also not that big of a deal.  Don't get me wrong, some things, like dancing at Bootie with friends who have had a few drinks when you haven't isn't as much fun as I had hoped. But, I don't generally feel like I am missing out on much by not having alcohol.

It's the not having sweets that is killing me.  Or rather, it's the guilt I feel when I have two delicious banana-walnut oatmeal chunk cookies at Earic and Aisha's house that is troubling.  And the desire for these sweets, the frustration I feel at giving it up.  The Fitness Guide notes that if you can't go 90 days without these things, it's probably time to look your relationship with them.  I have always had a sweet tooth, and at the same time have had good self-control.  My mom occasionally notes how, as a child, if given a bag of M & M's, I would eat half and save some for later, while my brother would consume the whole bag in one sitting.  This remains true -- I can have sweets in the house for a week and snack on them over time, but if John is up late and looking for something sweet, I wake up in the morning and my mini chocolate chip cookies from Trader Joe's are significantly decreased.    

Let's also be honest.  This is the first diet I've been on in my life.  This is the first time I have actually attempted to give anything up.  So, as I start the 4th week, I am beginning to feel the mental effects of the nutrition plan.  Don't get me wrong -- I love the rest of the food, and am continuing to enjoy the cooking that I get to do.  I've noticed that I don't crave the sweets, and don't feel deprived of them, when I am in my normal routine.  I don't need to sit down with a serving of cookies like I did before.  It's when I'm dining with friends that I notice my ability to refrain from sweets goes out the window.

I've been getting some advice -- people who say one glass of red wine is not so bad, others who say one bite of something isn't going to hurt, John who says I should let today (Superbowl!) be 1 cheat if I want.  I think I'm going to go in moderation -- Kent is supposed to bring over delicious mac n cheese (one of my all time favorite foods), so if I feel like having a bite, it's not going to be that big of a deal. If I want to have a cup of mac n cheese - that's a cheat.  If I want to have a beer, then I will count it into my overall cheats.   I just have to decide what will make today be good for me.

I will tell you -- I don't like being so obsessed with food.  The exercise feels like a normal part of my life, but this constant worry about food is for the birds.        

Balance & Power [I was so much stronger this week than last week!]
Calories Burned = 646
Average Heart Rate = 134
Peak Heart Rate = 173